you know, when i think of the fact that what i'm doing this very day could change the course of my life, the people i meet, where i go, down the the things i say, the people i might tell "have a great day" and smile at them... what if one thing i said to somebody changed their whole life? this thought process seriously blows my mind every time it runs through my head. there are SO many things that have been building up in my mind the past month and a half i haven't written, but it's like every time i tried to write something down i couldn't form the words in my mind the right way, and everything is about perception. i don't want the things i write to come out in a way i wouldn't say them face to face in a live conversation.
God has just done an extravagant amount of work in my mind and heart, which are definitely two very separate things that i have to work really hard to connect sometimes. they say the heart wants what it wants and that is very true... but i want my heart to want what God wants. and if you just "follow your heart", it's not always going to lead you to the right place. Pray First was a huge message at highlands this year and it was one of the first messages when i started going back to church after giving my life to Christ. i wore that pray first bracelet for a long time until it was ingrained in me to literally pray before ANY decision i made. without God's blessing, why am i doing the things i'm doing? by all means, i mean go have fun with your friends and family and enjoy your life, but ultimately everything that we do is to glorify Him and if our lives are not producing that result, it's time for some change. i had this thought while driving back from my visit with fam and friends in virginia. people as a whole in the secular world are generally complaining, whining and so worried about their current situations and what's going to happen in the future. i have been able to let go and not worry about that, because in the bible it literally says that this life is just a MIST. i want the things i do in my time here to be satisfying and worthy but eternal life is where it's at.... for lack of a better term! ;)
God does not bring the bad upon us, we have an enemy and when we know our God is bigger than our problems, those problems will not defeat us. i realized that what we get out of life is either what we put into it or what we think we deserve. well, i KNOW what i deserve because God lays out what He wants for us and has in store for us! i also want to put my all into putting His plan for me into action because HE deserves it! i dream crazy things because He will do more than my wildest dream could come up with. I rest easy knowing that He tells me that He has plans to prosper me, plans for hope and a future. how could i not be grateful and excited for things to come knowing that?! bring it on 2013!!!
another thing that keeps coming up in my life, (on a completely different note!!) is the ____ (i can't really find the right word to put here) that come along with having a family, no matter it's form-big, small, happy, dysfunctional the holidays really overwhelm me in general. i try to focus on family, friends and the birth of our Savior at Christmas of course. i see things like leaving milk and cookies for santa, reindeer food, debating over when the Christmas tree should go up, elf on the shelf and i start to wonder what people really get out of the holidays. sometimes i think it's more stressful to remember to do and put all of these things into action than the fun that you get out of them! traditions to me have always kind of been non-existent. i was raised in a divorced family, with varying income levels and family styles, so holidays were different every year for me. some spent at one family's house, some at my grandma's, some confused about whether santa was real, sometimes getting a lot of presents, and other times not so much. it hits me even harder when i realize that somehow in this crazy life that i have lived, my daughter has ended up in the same situation. now don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i have just come to realize that our society has gotten so caught up in the world of pinterest, topping the next stay at home mom, blogging cooler contests, and posting more pictures of the cool and super fun traditions that you have that i think we worry too much and forget to just be, create moments, create memories, live out our history. i think and hope my daughter will have the same outlook as i do, in that as long as you're spending time with family and friends, no matter where, showing your love in forms other than just presents, that is what really counts. being a parent is hard. a single parent, probably even harder. but as long as my daughter knows the love of Jesus and that i love her more than anything i've ever loved, i could care less if we had another tradition in the history of ever.