Wednesday, July 31, 2013

magic is gone

a different memory on every street
gotta get away from this defeat
i've got more dreams to see through
and more people to meet

down highway 459
leads me straight back to you
but somehow the back roads
take me there too

it's an intersection of you and me
at every corner store
and i find myself shopping there
more than ever before

gotta find a new city
the magic here has died
what's holding me back when
i could get in the car and drive

can't pass by that house
the one you renovated
all of the memories
god i can't take it

the next row of cars
there's one just like yours
the stop light never ends
can't go on a detour

wandering through the lanes
see you all over the place
not sure if it's in my head
every time i see your face

not only can i see you
but sometimes i hear you too
at the crossroads of yes and no
you always tell me which way to go

gotta get out of this city
the magic here has died
nothing's holding me back
i'm in the car and it's finally in drive

Monday, July 8, 2013

sleep anxiety versus minimalism


is that a real thing? you may ask. well... i don’t know. but to me, it is a real problem every night. each night i am staring the task of falling asleep with ease in the face. that rarely happens. i started to think that perhaps i had a sleeping disorder, something like insomnia as my mother does. the twist, though, is that i realized last week that i typically only have trouble sleeping when i have to get up for work (only five of the seven days per week) or have a problem for which i need to find a solution. 

we know already that a lot of people can't sleep when there's something big coming up the next morning, i.e. a job interview, a final exam, a five am flight you are afraid you will oversleep and miss. last week, we were off on a thursday for the fourth of july. i was in bed before 10 pm, and to be honest, i wasn't even that tired. not compared to a normal night. i think it was two-fold. i didn't have to go to sleep wednesday night dreading having to get up and mosey (okay usually speed) to work. i have also simplified my life lately. a lot. i have cleaned out my stack of paperwork and consolidated all of my important documents that i can't scan to one small binder. i went through all of the big plastic tubs i had from when i moved out of my apartment back into my parents temporarily (i didn't have much to start with because i have always loved to purge things, but on the flipside, i loved to buy things. another story for another day.). i donated bags and bags of clothes to the lovelady center. i even went through all of my pictures and "keepsake" items and dwindled them down to the things i will never get rid of, like the outfit i brought my daughter home in 5 and a half years ago and the poem i have that was typed on a typewriter, tears roll downhill anyway, about AIDS that my lifelong best friend's mom wrote before she passed away from the awful disease when we were in the third grade. i do plan to purge the actual 4x6 photos when i get a quality photo scanner in the next month. 

i digress. i say all of the above to simply say this: i had no tangible or mental task to accomplish (for the first time in a very long time) and i did not have to wake up to the mundane j-o-b that is required of me every normal thursday of my life. i went to sleep at a reasonable hour with no fear of having to dread the day ahead and woke up earlier than normal, with nothing i had to do if i didn't feel the desire. it was so pleasant. coincidence? i think not.

if nothing else, this is just another encouragement to discover what i enjoy and pursue living my life on my own time. along the way, i'm making small changes, to the likes of getting up early and starting out my day with peaceful solitude, so that i do not lose the desire and again become caught up in the world.



Tuesday, July 2, 2013

when the novelty wears off

we all love shiny new things. actually, for my personal preference, they don't have to be shiny or new. i love thrifting and yard sale scavenging. none the less, the result is still the same: we have something that we did not have previously, and because of that, it feels special. remember that brand new iphone 4 on which you spent at least $199 precious dollars once upon a time? if someone were to give you one for free now, it would seem inferior to the newer 5. things get older, replaced by fancier items. our natural instinct is to replace it immediately. that's the consumer in us. i am so guilty of this, you'd think i were a five year old that just stole 100 jelly beans from the candy store. oh, i think, i have worn that shirt way too many times, i better get a new one. why do i think this way? well, i don't feel like making a sandwich for lunch tomorrow, i will just spend $7 on a meal in the drive through. am i that lazy? does it actually taste better when someone else makes it for me? i think that my 8 shades of brown eye shadow aren't enough, i better stop by ulta and get the new set they have out... i mean, it's on sale!  am i crazy?

i have started to think that's just what i've been all my life (the whole almost 25 years of it;). crazy. work, work, work. so that i can buy new things to use in my spare time, or even spend money to get away and relax, usually because i'm so tired from work. what if i did what i enjoyed and didn't feel the need to hide under a rock every single night after being around exhausting customers all day at work. i'd also be quick to say i spend more hours at work during the week than i am able to spend with my daughter in a month, if i had to guesstimate. perhaps here soon i will actually calculate this--i think there's a strong chance it may even make me more radical in the ways i hope to change my life over the course of the next two or so years.

i think the newness wears off of everything and that is typically when it's revealed as worthy of your time and money or not. unfortunately you can't return all things in life as if it were a new gadget you got for your birthday. this has even happened with me at a new job i started about two months ago. i was excited and ready to start and learn something new. now that i've been here, i have learned the ropes, quite frankly, i've realized there is no way in hell i could do this for the next forty years of my life until retirement. i probably won't even make it a year. i'd have already quit and moved just outside LA (my dream), had i not just bought a really dumb decision in november of 2012 (a.k.a. brand new 2013 car). but in my current (not ideal) life, i need a reliable car (i have always had an awesome ability to break every car i have owned). i really need my car. i have a 40 mile trip to and from work each day. i drop my daughter and pick her up from after school care as well in that same trip, adding a few extra miles. she wouldn't have to go to after school care, an extra couple hundred a month, if i had a career working for myself-on my own time (ultimate end goal, but preferably sooner than later). because of my new car, after school care, my job, i must have insurance. which is higher because of the mileage to work and the newness necessary for reliability.

as of today i am making my must list. i know what i want and what i should do to get there. i'm tired of wanting and wishing. here goes nothing. here goes everything.

-i must eliminate my car payment.
-i must find a job that will allow me to have more time with my daughter.
-i must make an enjoyable living.
-i must dwindle down my things to the minimum. i do not like the word minimalist, per se. it has a weird connotation in our society. we will just call this freedom from material posessions that are not used almost daily. (this is pretty much done!) i am only working on what to do with my photos. i plan to keep some items from kinley's childhood as she grows up. that does not mean every snowman she makes and picture she colors. every. single. year. at school.
-i must make a more intense effort at starting my photography hobby.
-i must take personal time for myself.
-i must still give and pour into others.

that's it for now, i will update this as i think of musts of importance. i have already gotten rid of so much extra makeup. that is a weakness for me. i love to try new products and it gets my bank account in deep water. i have figured out what i like and have made a decision that i will not buy any new product until the other has run out. i am very bad about this with face/bathroom products, hair products and obviously makeup. no more! i am down to under 100 items of clothing (i used to have more clothes than would fit in a closet, what a feat!)--dropped off a ton of clothes to salvation army today. along with the clothes, i left storage buckets that i've been keeping around. for what? i hardly have any stuff anymore! freedom. :)
My photo
meet me somewhere between reality and all we ever dreamed, United States