Tuesday, October 8, 2013

beautiful tragic storms

Everything is fine in my life. I say that so unbothered, because I don’t have a whole lot going on mentally right now. That is a carefree statement I suppose, and I say it not because everything is perfect, but anything that is stressor in my life, I have generally come to terms with. I don’t have a plethora of money and that is fine. Somehow I know that I’ll always manage and I have support if it really comes down to the wire. I have a job that I don't like and has been the biggest frustration over the last six months, but that is more than many people can say, and I am about to start a new job in just over a whole week. I should have some extra money next month to finally buy a macbook pro and a canon dslr, used from craigslist or ebay of course. I have wanted these two things for quite some time and I really do need them to pursue my passions. I have been writing more and staying home more, getting to know my introverted side.

My daughter is beautiful and healthy and growing up right next to me. I’m not watching her from a distance. I even had a run in with my her father when he messaged me to attempt to see her after gallivanting off into the Kentucky sunset yet again with another woman no one cares for because she is a mean person and encourages his negative energy. I won’t get into that, but somehow this time it really didn’t affect me. A blip of annoyance, sure, but I guess time truly does help. Alongside that is realizing one of the most disheartening lessons in love and life: you cannot change someone, their negativity or the way they live their life. Sometimes you have to take a stand and sometimes you have to let it roll off your back. Choose your battles, as they say. I’m a single mom. I don’t get along well or regularly with my own dad. Half of my family lives hours and hours away. But I have come to terms with all of these things, and I desire no pity or sadness regarding any of them and I have outgrown the shame and guilt. I have always made it through any weather, and I know that I will continue to, because that is what my mom instilled in me. Somehow I still find the good and the beautiful in things.

However something has been haunting me as of late. This time last year, I had a terrible, awful, miserable breakup. I don’t like people who whine and groan and moan and complain about their breakup(s). But this was the first time in my life that not only my heart had been broken, but my first and only daughter’s too. It’s a funny thing, dating with child. One must not wait too long to introduce, for worry that you will get comfortable and it won’t transition from a “just us two hanging out” relationship, to a “who needs a movie on a Friday when you have chuck e cheese” relationship and the potential partner bolts. On the opposite end, if you introduce too soon, and your child is old enough to remember, relate and attach, what happens if it doesn’t work out soon thereafter? And worst of all scenarios, is what if it does work out… for a good while. And all of a sudden, they are a ghost. Well the last is, in my experience, the worst.

I moved on relatively quickly after we split. I use “moved on” loosely, meaning I didn’t sit in the house crying all day, every day, eating tubs of ben & jerry’s. I did cry. A lot. But mostly sitting at my desk at work or in the car when a song came on that hit a nerve, that moment when it feels like the wind just got knocked out of you. I could handle the sadness alone. The hardest part about the tears was sometimes my daughter would find me upset. Even though I was usually not crying around her, she could tell I was sad, and of course she had questions as to why he wasn’t around anymore, why he didn’t come to our house anymore, why he couldn’t come to the park with us, why we couldn’t go to his house when we’d drive near his street.

Kids are resilient, yes. I’ve heard that over and over with the different predicaments I have been in over the years. But whether everyone knew it or even if she knew it or not, a little piece of her heart broke too. And when she missed him, it made me sad and it also made me angry. I was livid with him for loving her and loving me and then leaving. Everyone was hurt, even him. Looking back now, it doesn’t all make sense, and I don’t think it ever will.

He called after we went our separate way on more than a few occasions, of course. They always do. He called me late at night and we had difficult discussions and saltwater spilled over the edge of my eyes until early in the morning. He even called on my daughter’s fifth birthday and I ultimately had to tell him to stop calling unless he was definitely not going to work it out with the almost-ex-wife-now-back-together-girlfriend-thing. I look back and I truthfully think that was the stupidest thing I did. But I couldn’t drag it out any longer. I couldn’t string my heart along for the ride, with my daughter trucking along, until February when his divorce was final or they decided to stay together. Ignorance is bliss started to make sense in my head. It was easier not to know, and I guess the people-pleasing part of me (read: most of me) just wanted to make the decision easier for him so that I didn’t have to wonder.

Love comes in waves, it floods. It goes out with the tide, washing away pieces of your heart and soul that can never be given again. The whirlwind tatters and tears, but in the end you’re left anew, molded from the storm before. You choose to see the beautiful not the wreckage.

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meet me somewhere between reality and all we ever dreamed, United States